30 Nov

A Way with Grammar

I’d like to spread some humor and a bit of sadness by sharing a few grammar mistakes found on signs, ads, and text. These do not need any explanation, but if you are having trouble figuring out what’s wrong with them, I suggest you attend your child’s English lessons or watch Schoolhouse Rock.



Your going to be sorry if you’re English is not good even thou their are plenty of things out they’re for you to do.

Literacy and Silence,
Baer Necessities

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06 Jul

Think Before Inking

Tattoos are an extension of our creativity, desires, or tributes. It’s a personal choice to design our bodies with pictures or inspirational words. But sometimes, someone we don’t know and trust— tattoo artist… or tattoo botcher can distort our visions of the perfect tattoo. If you’re considering inking your body, here are a couple things you should keep in mind.

1)  Make sure your tattoo artist can spell. Spellin’ iz da most impotent thing when it cums to sayins. Have them write it down or make an outline of it on your body so all they have to do is trace it. This avoids any spelling mistakes… except if you don’t know how to spell the word. If that’s the case, bring a dictionary.

The botcher must be studying phonetics.

I wonder what her mother’s angle is regarding this tattoo.

A little too much information.

Your (belonging to or associated with person) You’re (you are) You (just you). This is why we should all know the difference.

Can someone help me out here? Is this supposed to be ‘absolutely ridiculous’?

I bet Bon Jovi knows how to spell it.

This person obviously didn’t remember how to spell before they forgot.

2)  Make sure the tattoo artist is actually an artist before they start drawing on you. This is very important if you plan to put a famous person on your body or a tribute to someone who died. You want people to be able to identify the person and hear how beautiful it is, not gasps or giggles. Your body is a temple; don’t let the tattoo debauchery desecrate it. Here are a few artists gone mad.

Maybe he got confused and thought the guy wanted a caricature of his gal?

If I were Sheleen, I’d be hunting this tattoo butcher down.

Perfect example of ‘you get what you pay for’.

Yeah, I totally see it. Good thing it’s on her back.


Was this a joke?

Which horror movie were these kids in?

Now, if you have thought about getting a tattoo, here are a few creative ideas for you to consider.

Quite ingenious to create humor from loss.


Your love becoming part of you.


Gorgeous


Awesome!


Here’s a way to clarify it.


The old fashioned way, except ‘coment’ is more like a Twitter revision.


Nice message.

What do you think of tattoos? Do you have one?

Botched, Beautiful, Tattoo,
Baer Necessities

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30 Mar

Spank You Very Much!

The foibles of promoting can hurt an unknown author. Let’s face it, majority of writers dislike promoting and marketing their works. We’d much rather write than shout out

In the past, I’ve wanted to help other authors promote their works. Not only did it expose my own publishing imprint and writings, I also enjoyed learning about other authors. After doing a few promotional projects, such as First/Opening Lines of Fiction Novels, There’s a Silver Lining Out There, Author Interviews, and a Pay It Forward (from my old blog), I find myself wary of doing any more other than author interviews. These promotions taught me about my own promoting ways along with dealing with writers, which I’d like to share today. These promotional lessons are to point out how often there is author participation neglect. Writing is a business, so it’s important to conduct yourself professionally.

1. Author Interviews are huge when it comes to online promotion. We try to find blogs willing to interview us so we can tell the world who we are and talk about our books. It’s a chance to give a nugget of information about where we come from, why we write, and boast about our publications. Unfortunately, author questions and answers can be mundane, and the reader can’t connect. This connection is what we want to achieve because if someone likes us, that like can turn into a sale, and hopefully the reader will spread the word. It’s one way writers build an audience. FOR FREE!

What To Do: Try to be creative when doing author interviews. Maybe answer some of the questions with humor, or as one of your characters. If possible, ask the interviewer if it’s okay to add some of your own questions and answers. Remember, it’s a way to appeal to an audience. Instead of “I grew up on the South Side of Chicago and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in English”, provide something interesting about you, such as, “In some ways, I was an outcast attending the all-girl catholic high school while fighting my way through adolescence. When I finally broke free, I constantly tripped over my own naiveté when it came to common sense and finding out who I was supposed to be.” I wrote this example for myself, as a reminder to follow my own advice. Another way you can approach an author interview is the same way you’d approach a job interview.

What NOT to Do: Once you receive the link to the posted interview, promote it on social media, writing groups, etc. That’s the whole point! Don’t assume the interview was only to promote the hosting blog. That’s insane! Also, the blogger took the time to put your interview together and post it, so leaving a thank you comment on the blog is good manners. Once people start commenting, you should return to answer questions, thank the other commenters, or maybe add something about your life that relates to a comment. If you’re not a gracious interviewer, or you don’t interact with the posters, then most likely the interviewer won’t have you again, and readers might think twice about buying your book(s). In general, people want to be heard, so this is your opportunity to listen and possibly form a bond.

2. When I put together There’s a Silver Lining Out There, I struggled to receive the requested information. No matter how explicit the instructions, writers still left out information, or sent other things. Not only that, but I had a poet forget that she even submitted poetry to me.

What to Do: Similar to sending a resume, no matter where or what you’re submitting to, make sure to document the information. If you’re submitting a poem to a contest, then create a spreadsheet with the name and web address of the submission site, the reason, and which poem you’re submitting. Also, when you are submitting information, make sure you understand what the project entails. When I announced the collection of poems for the anthology, and corresponded with all poets, I constantly stated, “the eBook” so they understood that the anthology would only be in eBook form. When the eBook went live, I received several emails from the poets asking about the paperback.

What NOT to Do: All places you submit to have guidelines so follow those guidelines or run the risk of entry/information deletion. If a poetry contest requests, a) 3-5 poems in a single document, b) must be unpublished, and c) must not have your name on it. Then make sure you pull up a Word document, copy and paste 3-5 unpublished poems, don’t add your name to the document, and save it as “Three poems.pdf” or how many, NOT “Your Name poems.pdf”.

Another thing I’d like to state is even though a project might be helping the hosting site; it’s also for you to promote your writings. I can’t begin to count how many poets never bothered to promote the anthology, Silver Lining. Not only did they not promote the book, all proceeds going to charity, but once I sent the final email with their eBook copies and a link to Amazon, I didn’t hear from 75% of the poets. No “Looks great” or “Thank you”.

3. No one can argue with free promotion. When the opportunity arises, authors can’t help to jump on it for more exposure. With free opportunity comes some responsibility on the author’s end. Recently, I did a First/Opening Lines of Fiction Novels blog post, where I promoted 21 authors, including me, using the first line from one of their novels. Along with the blog promotion, I created a video using the book covers and genres (posted on YouTube), and the book covers on a Pinterest Board. All the authors needed to do was send me their first line, genre, title, a purchase link, and an author website (A MUST).

What to Do: Again, it’s important to follow guidelines. I can’t stress this enough. Make sure you are eligible, and then submit the requested material. Once the project is live, PROMOTE, PROMOTE, PROMOTE! It’s important to spread the word through social media, and possibly link it somewhere for a certain period of time. And make sure to thank those involved in providing the free promotion.

What NOT to Do: Because some writers didn’t read the guidelines, I received many first line submissions that did not include genre and/or author website. I guess they assumed an author website didn’t matter even though I had A MUST in caps. When I posted the blog post, I sent the link out to the authors so they could promote it. Some did and some thanked me. Several of the authors never bothered to acknowledge my emails, let alone tell me what they thought of the post. Because of this, I doubt I’ll work with these writers again.

4. On my old blog, I did a Pay It Forward to help promote authors. I featured them on my blog, and after their feature, they were to pay it forward to a self-published/indie author by featuring them on their own blog or writing a book review. I asked them to do it within a reasonable time, a month or two, and send me the link regarding their pay it forward.

I stopped this feature because the authors were miraculously too busy to fulfill their Pay It Forward obligation. Since my Pay It Forward list lacked the links, I’d follow up with the authors. They claimed to be busy with work, family, or something else. To sign up for something without following through is just wrong. It demonstrates a selfish author, and over time, people will stop supporting such writers.

Free promotion is a luxury for unknown self-published/indie authors. To have people offer promotional opportunities, writers need to be professional and courteous. It goes a long way.

Free Promotions and Courtesy,
Baer Necessities

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03 Feb

What Makes Writers Scream

Question: Are you still writing?

graphics-circus-397078Answer: Nope. I stopped when the circus came to town. They needed a roadie so I figured why not. I could use the experience in case I don’t become a NYT Bestselling Author, I receive an eviction notice, or I’m eating out of restaurant garbage bins. The skills will open the doors for me to work as a courier for some pompous law firm. Because, hey, writing is just a hobby and it’s important to prepare for the future instead of wasting my time on such silly notions.

Question: What do you write about?

Answer: One could never know too much about the correlation between gratuities and ovulation. Research shows that lap dancers receive more tips at their heightened sexual cycles than any other time. I only examined the grind circle form leaving out the slap and tickle and breast stroke. During ovulation, the dancer’s thongs were loaded with donations.

Question: Someday I’ll write a book. I’m so busy that I probably won’t be able to until I retire. Wouldn’t it be cool if we collaborated?

Answer: Oh yes! That sounds exciting. I can discuss the steps it takes to writing a cohesive book and publishing. After that, you can discuss all the things you did sitting in your cubicle. It’s a win/win. Readers will learn about writing, and the amount of time it takes to learn the craft and the publishing industry, along with learning about your important job.

Question: My life is crazy. You should write about it.

Answer: Sure! I don’t have any other ideas to write about. The enormous amount of book ideas I write down in the journal next to my bed, the short stories I’ve written, manuscripts I’m working on just aren’t that exciting. Let’s sit down so you can tell me about your life, because obviously, I don’t have one.

Question: You wrote a book? It’s too bad I don’t read.

Answer: Are your eyes bad? Are you allergic to paper? Are e-readers too costly? I don’t read is like saying I don’t wipe my ass after I crap. Reading is essential to the mind and soul. It doesn’t matter what you read as long as you read.

Question: So you’re a writer. How much money do you make?

Answer: How much you got? I mean, I’m open to negotiations. I’d hate to tell you the offers I’ve received so far because that might sway you from matching their price. Now toss me an amount, and I’ll tell you if you’re close to what I made in sales last year. Show me the money.

Question: Are you going to be the next J.K. Rowling?

Answer: Definitely. I strive to mimic another writer’s style. There’s a girl I went to band camp with who is nuts, so I called her up and asked her to steal all of Rowling’s notebooks. Using her current books as guides, I can publish her story ideas just by swapping out character names.

Comment: What do you mean you’re busy? You don’t do anything all day.

Answer: Not true. I’ve been trying to regain my memory because I have amnesia after a car accident. My husband has been helping me piece my life together as we reflect back on how we met. I was in rehab, and then we went undercover for several months investigating some drug dealers. I fill my journal with daily things that have happened to me. From living in Chicago to moving to Seattle, I’ve tried to get away from a psycho who has been stalking me. Then I started working some crime cases. There have been three gruesome murders in the City of Chicago. My partner disappeared, and a close friend of mine was in a serious car accident. It’s up to me to solve these cases.

Response: WOW! You have been busy. I didn’t know you were in rehab, let alone, that you have amnesia.

My Response: Oh I don’t. Those are what the characters in my books have been busy doing.

What kind of crazy questions are you asked about your job?

Discussions, Crazy, and Writing,
Baer Necessities

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09 Dec

12 Days of a Wretched Christmas

On the First day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
A Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Second day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Third day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Fourth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Fifth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Sixth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Seventh day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Seven Brief Jerkies
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Eighth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Eight Boyfriend Pillows
Seven Brief Jerkies
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Ninth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Nine Picnic Pants
Eight Boyfriend Pillows
Seven Brief Jerkies
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Tenth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Ten Facebook Selfies
Nine Picnic Pants
Eight Boyfriend Pillows
Seven Brief Jerkies
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
|Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Eleventh day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Eleven Inflatable Fruitcake Tins
Ten Facebook Selfies
Nine Picnic Pants
Eight Boyfriend Pillows
Seven Brief Jerkies
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

On the Twelfth day of Christmas
The bastard sent to me,
Twelve Tubes of Cellulite Cream
Eleven Inflatable Fruitcake Tin
Ten Facebook Selfies
Nine Picnic Pants
Eight Boyfriend Pillows
Seven Brief Jerkies
Six Bacon Lubes
Five Clap off Bras
Four Shitten Mittens
Three Ugly Sweaters
Two Chia Shreks
And a Burial Plot near the entrance

What was the worst Christmas gift you ever received? What was your favorite one?

Gifts and Returns,
Baer Necessity

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