A Proper Way to Review

Amazon is my “go-to” place for all kinds of purchases, but I’ve only reviewed books. Product reviews seem uncomfortable to write. I guess I’m afraid of actually not understanding the instructions or the products proper use, so I’ve avoided these types of reviews. Since I understand books and writing, I believe I have reasonable experience to comment.

In my pursuit of learning how to write product reviews, I came across some wonderful examples on Amazon that I’d like to share with you.

The first product I’d like to discuss is the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. It’s safer than using a knife, can be put in the dishwasher, and it’s a one-step process to cutting the banana.

If I bought this product, I’d have no idea how to review it, good or bad, so I turned to some wonderful Amazon reviewers for guidance. For this one, we’ll start with a 5-Star review.

SW3K says, “No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!”

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed …”

This review has really made me think about the alternatives, which aren’t very good. The 571 Banana Slicer is the best way to slice a banana, and reduces stress. The reviewer not only points out other ways of slicing bananas, but “a peels” to people’s emotional side. Bravo!

Let’s see how helpful a 1-Star review is in deciding if I want this product.

Q-Tip says: “Confusing”

There is no way to tell if this is a standard or metric banana slicer. Additional markings on it would help greatly.”

Actually, I would have never thought about it, and I live in another country. This statement points out something that isn’t necessarily obvious to everyone. If I bought without “giving a slice”, then I’d totally be screwed trying to use it on a German banana.

Our next product is something we all can enjoy, lactose intolerant or not. A gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk is full of Vitamin D.

This time, we’ll just look at a 1-Star review. I really could understand what the reviewer is saying because it’s similar as to how Emily Dickinson could not stop for death. I understand the buyer’s frustration in waiting for the milk, and when it finally arrives, it’s sour. From this curdled experience, I’d have to pass on buying it.

S. Mayo says: With apologies to Emily”

Because I could not stop for milk,
It kindly came to me.
I ordered it through Amazon,
Whole milk; sweet Tuscany.

The driver, though, he knew no haste,
No Expediter, he!
The wait: Four days, and weekend, too.
It seemed eternity.

My milk, it passed through NYC
Where traffic snarled in rings,
Slow past the fields of grazing cows
Who nodded knowingly.

Its expiration date passed, too;
And though the truck was chill,
Vile germs digested lactose sweet
And had their gruesome fill.

It paused before my house at last,
(By USPS Ground)
My gallon jug; 128 ounce
Though oddly swollen `round.

My joy is dashed! My hope denied!
Alas, milk lacks the power
To strive towards immortality:
My Tuscan milk’s gone sour.

-S&J”

Last but not least, I’d like to share this wonderful product and its reviewers. The AMSCAN Face Paint comes in white and is non-toxic.

I took this 5-Star review at face value because it explains how the product improved someone’s life.

S. Archer shares, “Friend finally able to hail a cab!”

I purchased this for an African-American friend of mine in New York who frequently has trouble hailing a cab. Well, he used this face paint and now cabs are picking him up, the hostess at Denny’s actually seated him, and he hasn’t been “stopped and frisked” by the NYPD since!”

I mean, how can you not get teary-eyed knowing that police no longer harass this guy’s friend. He even gets to eat without refusal. Then I read this 1-Star review, warning others of its effects. It doesn’t pale in comparison, but only leaves me torn.

Pen Name warns: Beware

If you’re a black man like myself don’t put thie white paint on your penis. I did and it quickly shrunk to 1/4 of its original size … “

And if I wasn’t confused enough, I read this 4-Star review, and it left me speechless.

M. Taylor shares: Perfection in a Tube

My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from “_________!” to “__________!!!”. You’ve never seen people so excited.”

The one commonality I found in these reviews is they are personalized. These reviewers pour their emotions out to assist buyers in making decisions. Do I or don’t I? The answer lies within each personal experience.

Do you write product reviews? What’s your favorite product?

Amazon, Products, and Reviews,
Baer Necessities

12 thoughts on “A Proper Way to Review

  1. I am still smiling over this one! Sharp, well written and very humorous. The five-star review of ‘Mr. Banana’ was brilliant! Very good read.

  2. Likewise, I am someone who only really writes book reviews, not product reviews. Simply because I am no so interested in them. If I was, I am sure all of these tips would be liable to help me. I am glad you could find some reviews to develop your product writing tips though!

  3. Oh dear, “finally able to hail a cab.” I love reading parody reviews from time to time. I love writing all kinds of reviews, but only do books now simply for the sake of time.

    1. Jeri, When I read that one, I could not stop laughing. My husband introduced me to these Amazon reviews, and I spent a good hour laughing. After these, I decided to stick with books.

  4. Best Amazon product review is by a young man, for the Victor Ultimate Flea Trap!! I wish I’d hunted down the link for you. It was pissing hilarious!! Flea Valhalla, hahahahaha. Find it! It is so worth it! I go back and read it from time to time, because it’s just that funny. It was the single reason I chose to purchase that trap. Now have two, by the way, lol. They work! That aside, you won’t have to struggle to find the review. I think it is still listed at or near the top of best reviews. Great article by the way! Lol. Loved what you found! I’m still laughing! Thanks!!

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