Ten Signs You’re Getting Old

1) You do a short low-impact cardio workout, and you’re unable to move for several days.

Yes, this recent phenomenon happened to me. I thought about upping my game when it came to workouts because the weather has been so horrible. A 20-minute at-home workout sounded great to me. The next morning, it felt like rigor mortis set in. I rolled off the side of the bed, doing my best Frankenstein walk.

2) You read several articles regarding retirement and 401K plans.

This is me again. Article after article, I read about how much you need to save for retirement, cheap places to live on a senior’s discount, and when you should claim social security. WHAT? I need at least a $1,000,000.00 to get by? I should move to Ecuador for cheaper rent and healthcare? I should wait until closer to 70-years old before claiming social security? What a bleak future forecast.

3) You glance over the obituaries.

Okay, this isn’t something I do, but my husband does. I’ve asked him why he’s reading it and he says to see who has died that he knows. I told him if it was anyone important, he’d be in touch with them, and already know the Grim Reaper paid them a visit.

4) You start narrowing down your bucket list.

  • Swim with dolphins. Check. The blow-up dolphin in the pool is close enough.
  • Take part in a triathlon. Check. Handed out water to the participants.
  • Skydiving.
  • Learn a new language. Check. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? That’ll do.
  • Take up a new sport. Check. Binge-watching Game of Thrones.
  • Plant a tree and watch it grow. Check. Not enough time for the latter, but easy-peasy.

5) You realize cannabis is your friend.

Nothing like a long toke off a joint to feel relieved of arthritis for a short while. All those years of thinking it was bad, and now it’s the first thing you want to reach for to relax. And a surge of unstoppable laughter is pretty good, too. Cannabis is the new Martini.

6) You think of past mistakes as a monopoly game.

Kicked a cane out from under a senior citizen, lose job and become unemployable. Stole a video game or comic book from the store, lose job and go straight to jail. Flirted with your McDonald’s colleague when you were 16 years old, lose job and become the neighborhood sex offender.  

7) You scour the internet looking for lifestyle changes to add years to your life.

Guilty! Seeing that I’m already a half-century old, I can’t help but wonder if I can make it another fifty. I’m talking another fifty where I can still walk upright, wipe my own butt AND the dribble from my mouth.

8) You wonder if you’ll still be alive for the next solar eclipse.

You’ve dusted off your special glasses to wear during the solar eclipse. It’s important to have them readily available for the next one in case you’re memory is depleting. When will that be? How old will I be? Do I even need to bother with the glasses if I have cataracts?

9) You call people by the wrong name or you can’t remember their name.

Before you finally hit the name on the button, you’ve called the person all five of your children’s names, along with the receptionists’ names at your doctor and dentist’s office. The neighbor stares in awe wondering if you’re making fun of them or pretending you just don’t know them.

10) Your wardrobe dates back 20-years ago.

What? Buy something new? Nah, this sweater has gotten me through the best and worst of times. It doesn’t matter whether the sweater is worse for wear; what matters is you feel comfortable in it. Drapery designs aside, it just might make a comeback in a few years.

Getting Older and Having Fun,
Denise

11 thoughts on “Ten Signs You’re Getting Old

  1. Oh Denise you had me in stitches which was not ideal as….I got a bout of lumbago one week ago!!!!! How? Bloody (sorry) vacuuming, that’s how!!!
    Be assured, at your age “thou art nobbut a damsel” as we say in Yorkshire-speak😀

  2. I am going to try the throwing random shit into people’s shopping carts. That sounds like fun. Don’t agree with all your observations but growing older is not for the weak or the folks without a sense of humor.

  3. While I have not started to glance over the obits, I knew I hit “old” a while ago. I went through “the change” quite a bit early and ever since then it’s been downhill. Until recently. 🙂 Started HRT, feel like new again. Almost like a teenager.

    1. Rebecca, I hear that a lot from women regarding “the change”. I wish I could join in the conversation of the misery of change, but unfortunately, I’m late…and waiting…patiently.

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