Question: Are you still writing?
Answer: Nope. I stopped when the circus came to town. They needed a roadie so I figured why not. I could use the experience in case I don’t become a NYT Bestselling Author, I receive an eviction notice, or I’m eating out of restaurant garbage bins. The skills will open the doors for me to work as a courier for some pompous law firm. Because, hey, writing is just a hobby and it’s important to prepare for the future instead of wasting my time on such silly notions.
Question: What do you write about?
Answer: One could never know too much about the correlation between gratuities and ovulation. Research shows that lap dancers receive more tips at their heightened sexual cycles than any other time. I only examined the grind circle form leaving out the slap and tickle and breast stroke. During ovulation, the dancer’s thongs were loaded with donations.
Question: Someday I’ll write a book. I’m so busy that I probably won’t be able to until I retire. Wouldn’t it be cool if we collaborated?
Answer: Oh yes! That sounds exciting. I can discuss the steps it takes to writing a cohesive book and publishing. After that, you can discuss all the things you did sitting in your cubicle. It’s a win/win. Readers will learn about writing, and the amount of time it takes to learn the craft and the publishing industry, along with learning about your important job.
Question: My life is crazy. You should write about it.
Answer: Sure! I don’t have any other ideas to write about. The enormous amount of book ideas I write down in the journal next to my bed, the short stories I’ve written, manuscripts I’m working on just aren’t that exciting. Let’s sit down so you can tell me about your life, because obviously, I don’t have one.
Question: You wrote a book? It’s too bad I don’t read.
Answer: Are your eyes bad? Are you allergic to paper? Are e-readers too costly? I don’t read is like saying I don’t wipe my ass after I crap. Reading is essential to the mind and soul. It doesn’t matter what you read as long as you read.
Question: So you’re a writer. How much money do you make?
Answer: How much you got? I mean, I’m open to negotiations. I’d hate to tell you the offers I’ve received so far because that might sway you from matching their price. Now toss me an amount, and I’ll tell you if you’re close to what I made in sales last year. Show me the money.
Question: Are you going to be the next J.K. Rowling?
Answer: Definitely. I strive to mimic another writer’s style. There’s a girl I went to band camp with who is nuts, so I called her up and asked her to steal all of Rowling’s notebooks. Using her current books as guides, I can publish her story ideas just by swapping out character names.
Comment: What do you mean you’re busy? You don’t do anything all day.
Answer: Not true. I’ve been trying to regain my memory because I have amnesia after a car accident. My husband has been helping me piece my life together as we reflect back on how we met. I was in rehab, and then we went undercover for several months investigating some drug dealers. I fill my journal with daily things that have happened to me. From living in Chicago to moving to Seattle, I’ve tried to get away from a psycho who has been stalking me. Then I started working some crime cases. There have been three gruesome murders in the City of Chicago. My partner disappeared, and a close friend of mine was in a serious car accident. It’s up to me to solve these cases.
Response: WOW! You have been busy. I didn’t know you were in rehab, let alone, that you have amnesia.
My Response: Oh I don’t. Those are what the characters in my books have been busy doing.
What kind of crazy questions are you asked about your job?
Discussions, Crazy, and Writing,